So, I started off the month of March knowing that my meds wouldn’t make it through the month. I had an insurance change and the new one isn’t effective until April 1. Anyway, my sleeping meds ran out last Tuesday. My husband has let me take his, but they make me so drowsy when I wake up I don’t really like to take them. But when the choice is sleep or sleep very little you take the pill.

I got in a kind of a fight with my sister last week, except it wasn’t really a fight to me. I was trying to suggest that what she thinks is happening might not in fact be the case. But I guess it came out badly and I assumed she knows things that she doesn’t actually know. I don’t know.

But I do know this. More times than not in these situations I end up feeling like my experiences and what I think isn’t as good as someone else’s. Now she did not say that to me. I do t think that she ever would. But she did tell me basically not to take it personal. My Mom told me the same thing. While I can see that and I understand in theory the ability to do that. Not taking stuff personally really isn’t who I am. Sure, on some things but on the things involving the people I love and care about they ARE very personal.

And it’s not just that they are people I care about. It’s that so much of who I am and what I do is wrapped up in being an advocate for people who are different or who can’t or won’t stand up for themselves. Even at work. Many people have some of the same thoughts and issues I have, but often they don’t say anything. And so I do! It is personal to me when I share my story or when I try to get someone to see a different perspective through asking questions.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been right and had to keep my big mouth shut instead of saying I told you so. But the worst part is that often my advice isn’t even remembered. When that I told you so moment comes, I have to pretend like I didn’t already give the advice that would have resulted differently. I get tired of people telling me that I’m wrong or that I do something in the wrong way. When the truth is it isn’t wrong, it’s just different. Just one time that when things get hard someone chooses to say “her deliveries wrong, but maybe I should consider what she is saying”. But that doesn’t happen. People are too busy finding me wrong to think that what I am saying could be true.

And the sad part is. There are certain things about me that will never change. I will always be loud at times. I will always be passionate and uninterested in hearing people’s excuses. I spend every day trying to think of others and treat them the way I would want to be treated. But it seems because I am those things I don’t deserve the same thought in return. And before you start thinking I’m over reacting. I’m not. Because I have the ability to look at myself and be very honest and truthful other people seem to think they should do that as well. That what I’m saying must be wrong and that they have a duty to tell me how imperf3ct I am. It’s not something that has happened once or twice. Or that happened more when I was younger. It happens again and again. From people in all different areas of my life. Do you know how many times someone has apologized to me?? Well, none. I’m sure there was someone in there. But most of the people who apologize to me are people who really have no reason to apologize. Those times when I would most like to hear it, it’s “crickets”. Except for my husband. He tells me he’s sorry. He has apologized more than once for small things and for the really big things. More and more I realize he is the ONLY person that sees me for me and sees the good things instead of always the bad things or the different things. He has taken the time to know me, and he uses what he knows to help make our relationship better.

I’m tired of being different. I’m tired of watching while people are able to be fake and impersonal with others and I simply don’t really have the ability to do that. Some would say it’s because I don’t want to. But that’s not true. Truthfully, it’s because I view all those things as lies and partial truths. The fact that people have to lie and be fake in order to live in this world truly pains me. It’s not honest, genuine, and it definitely isn’t real. What’s worse is that so few people are like me, and so few people truly share my illness. It isn’t fake and it’s not going to go away. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am as stubborn as they come, so if they believe thatwhy is it so easy for them to say that if I wanted to change other things. Some things sure. But those things that have been with me in many cases since before I can even remember doing them. Why is it ok to be kind, and follow rules, and to be conscientious?? But it’s not ok to be stubborn, outspoken, and question everything? Because that’s what it boils down to. People view my questions as a judgment that what they are saying isn’t right or that I don’t agree with them? When nothing could be further from the truth. I ask questions because I want to know things. I ask questions because people’s thoughts and motives nd childhoods matter. I ask because when I speak I want to be confident in what I’m saying and I want to be as logical as possible.

But it’s hard for me to stay neutral with my illness. I’m not a person that sees it everywhere. In fact the opposite. It takes a lot for me to even really want to approach that subject with someone, outside of my own experiences, and I NEVER do it lightly. It isn’t something that I want people to have. It’s something I do my best to talk people out of thinking if I can. I advocate good and extensive testing. But I know what it’s like to live in my head. I know what I thought as a teenager and I am painfully aware of how different my mind is. It’s because of that that I never want someone else to suffer. If I can help someone avoid that I will do whatever I possibly can. And it’s not something I want someone to take my word on. I just want someone to see my life and what has happened to me and find value in it enough that someone else’s life might be changed.

As much as sometimes people might think so, I don’t want to hurt anyone. But there are truths in this life that don’t change. And have a way of coming out with time. Watching someone hurt themselves when they don’t have to is hard. But being dismissed, rejected, and ignored is even harder. Shouldn’t we err on the side of caution. Shouldn’t we deal with the truth instead of just doing the same things and hoping they will change.

I have good kids. 3 good kids. I have a son in college and I have been a mother for almost 20 years now. I know my kids aren’t perfect. But people love them. I have someone tell me on a regular basis how good, or hard working, or kind they are. From everybody: co-workers, ex co-workers, teachers, friends, friends parents. It is something that I am very proud of. Sure we are all born with different personalities but parents play a big part. And while I’m not now and have never claimed to be perf3ct I/we had to have done something right, right?!?! Or maybe not. Sometimes by the way people act I think “well maybe God just gave me good kids cause he knows I’m such a mess that I couldn’t handle something different”. Truly, sometimes I believe that. Because it’s sure not like too many people close to me act like I’ve done a good job!! Or seem to listen to me and think “well, she does have good kids maybe she knows a little something”.

So I’m tired. I’m frustrated and I’m pretty lonely. People say they are there or will be there. And some are. But none of them really understand or know me. They don’t trust that I know things, sometimes with no reason to know it. They put me in a box “of oh that’s just her” and they forget to look at me and really see me. They forget that I’m a person and that sometimes there are a lot of really great things about me. But I almost never hear that. I’m tired of being everyone’s cheerleader and building them up and making them feel special, just to have almost no one do the same for me.

Thanks for reading! I will stop my loud and rambling thoughts now. Be blessed!!!


Pulling of the Spirit

I guess God really wants me to confront my Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Facebook has had an over abundance of articles about narcissists lately and I can’t seem to get them out of my mind.

I’m not sure why He wants this but I guess I better get on board. First I would like to say that I HATE the articles I find on Facebook and other places. I don’t like it when people refer to someone as a narcissist when they have no idea of the true meaning and just want to find a reason for someone’s bad behavior AND their inability to get away from this person. It aggravates me. Lately it just makes me so mad. Like I can’t even find the words mad.

Add that to the guy at work that says “autism is a mental illness” and I’m ready to know what the purpose of all this is. I’m not a physical person but I wanted to hit my co worker for an off handed comment that he obviously has no knowledge about. Yes, Autism(and similar things) are covered in the mental health umbrella but they are NOT even almost the same. To give some context the discussion was about the shooting in Florida. I made the comment that he was sick and he was completely unwilling to hear what I was saying.

I guess since I carry around mental illness my buttons get pushed a little faster. But normally I do my best to educate. What pisses me off is when I try to talk to someone and they show no desire to learn or be aware of what it’s really like.

Like narcissist, I don’t think of myself as a totally self centered impossible person to be around, most of the time. I read that empathy is a huge thing missing with narcissists. I don’t completely understand what that means because I sure can feel empathy for people. I guess the thing is that I have taught myself to ignore my first instinct and the truth is very often my first instinct is “I’m sorry you have health issues but I need you to come to work”, I’m sorry you didn’t plan a babysitter but no I won’t work for you”. Oh your kids have issues…put your big girl panties on and be a PARENT!!”

These are my first instinct. If I could say them I would. But it’s not that I don’t have empathy it’s that when people expect special treatment for whatever reason it annoys me. Nobody taught me to do this. Well, maybe someone did. My parents, my MOM. Maybe I’m not a horrible human being because I had good parents. And even though I didn’t find out about my diagnosis until I was 33 my Mom has always done her best to help me figure things out. I will never forget when I was about 14 my best friend and I got in a huge fight and weren’t friends anymore. And I was going off to my Mom and she said “Jennifer have you ever considered that your more mature than her?” Um no I haven’t. And more to the point that doesn’t matter. She should just act right. Lol

I still feel that way. If I even a little bit have learned to control my mental illness BEFORE I was medicated then it should be easy for normal people, right?!?!?!

Honestly, the more I think about this the more it scares me. I don’t understand it. I have a pretty good handle on the bipolar and what it does to me and what happens in my mind and body. But I just don’t know how to accept being a narcissist. Maybe that’s the exact thing that signals me having it. I don’t know.

I do know that those articles hurt me. They make me feel like I’m less than. And I know the statistics. About 200,000 a year are diagnosed with this disorder. That’s .0006667 percent of the population of this county. Those articles make it sound like there are narcissists around every corner. It is predominantly found in men which is why what they do seems so much worse, maybe. I don’t really know. I just know that willy nilly articles about it make it sound like almost every man is this way. Just because a man is abusive doesn’t mean he is a narcissist.

I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting the battles with myself and I am tired of fighting people that are unaware and that refuse to be educated. Sometimes I think people don’t believe me when I tell them I am bipolar. It takes while to see the real crazy part. People at work think they have seen me freak out, HA! No way! My meds work good. And they allow me to have better control over what is in my mind and what my emotions and actions are. I usually do pretty good but especially when things come out of no where I struggle. I struggle hard. I don’t know how I made it so many years unmedicated. I don’t know how I am still married and have been for 15 years. I don’t know how I haven’t completely destroyed my life. All I know is that God has done BIG things for me and for my marriage. I know that God walks beside us and that when we feel lost he finds a way to remind us.

I am a narcissist. I have to figure out how to own that and how to use it to educate people. If I could prevent one thing it would be young people going through what I went through. If I could see them and help them and stop them from making the mistakes that I made. I want people to know. I want people to be able to look at their kids and see the signs and get them help before bad things happen. It’s scary!! And they need support and love. If there’s one thing I could change it would be kids not going through what I went theough(yes I said it again). Time for some more learning.

Be blessed and thanks for reading!!

New Topic

My whole life I have never been shy!! Probably the understatement of the year. I have gotten smarter as I have gotten older and I have learned better ways to express myself. But mostly I’m a fact based truth kind of person. Even when it hurts!

Having said that I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think God is pushing me to share. Many of you have seen my posts about my diagnosis and life as someone who is Bipolar. But there’s another part that I don’t really talk about much. I was also diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Society throws around the word Narcissistic a lot. They use it for anyone that has their own opinions that usually are very different from most other people’s. This word has a horribly bad and out of proportion reaction to this word.

But it’s not a bad word. And it doesn’t always have to be a negative in a persons life. Most of the time we only hear about the really bad people. And most people don’t even really discuss this. When we got my diagnosis Chad basically said “I can deal with the narcissist I’ve gotten used to that, it’s the other stuff I can’t deal with”. Lol

I was glad that he didn’t blow it out of proportion and make me feel even worse than I already did. And the truth is I am pretty self absorbed. I love people and I love helping people. Maybe this is part of why. It’s like I share my narcissism with someone for a time and it builds their spirit enough that they can move on and do great things without me. I am proud of that.

I am proud that I can be a cheerleader for people who just need someone to love and encourage them. I am proud that what is sometimes a bad thing is also so many times a wonderful thing. To be honest I read the definitions and I think “is that really me?” When it comes right down to it it is me. I have learned to act different ways but at the end of the day I’m a bottom line kind of person. If we are in the middle of a rush at work I am so focused I often forget that I have coworkers with me. That probably don’t want a nasty person working next to them. But honestly I don’t care what your problems are. If we are busy do your job and do it right.

It’s not that I can’t see that that’s a little cold and disconnected but it is the vast majority of the time my first reaction. I think I’m awesome. Pretty much all the time and in so many ways. It doesn’t help that I am extremely self aware and God have me the gift of discernment. Those two things together pretty much guarantee something happens that makes me think how great I am.

I know I am not supposed to be inflated with self. But I say all the time “at least I share it. I do think I’m great but I think other people are as well and I take the time to tell them”. And sometimes I wonder if this “sickness” isn’t what allows me to feel so close to God. I have ALWAYS felt close to Him. I have always known that I am ok and perfect in His eyes. It’s not something I think about I just KNOW. And there’s that very small place in my heart that is always content and at peace. I know when I leave this world where I’m going. I know that being mentally sick is one of the very worst and safest things that anyone can deal with. I know that my inflated sense of self effects my life and relationships on a regular basis. I know that most of my waking hours are spent trying NOT to do things that I’m not supposed to say or do. I fail a lot. But I know that God knows me and he knows that I only want those around me to have a better, happy, and more productive life.

Narcissistic is a hard word to wrap your mind around. It’s even harder to wrap your mind around the fact that YOU have this illness and it effects your life everyday. I am so much better with my meds. I feel more control of my mind and my feelings. For that I am grateful but they don’t take it all away. Like my Mom has told me more than once “I just want you to not have to struggle so hard just to live your life”. That’s probably one of the greatest things she has ever said to me and I hang on to it everyday. I still struggle but it’s not even close to what it used to be. And I’m grateful to have a Mom that decided I needed help, even if it took years to find all the answers.

I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I love my life. I have friends and family that love me and I am NOT a monster. So if you wanted to try to remember to pray for those of us who struggle on a daily basis just to live life I know a bunch of people who would appreciate it. And please remember when you hear or see people using the word Narcissistic they don’t always know what they are talking about and often they are using it in the wrong way or to define someone that is most likely hurting themselves.

If you read this long post I appreciate it. Be blessed and LIVE your life and be THANKFUL that you don’t have to battle your mind everyday from things you don’t even always understand.


The internet has eaten 3 things I have typed out to post in the last week! To say I’m aggravated is an understatement. I don’t pay attention to what I write most of the time. But it’s almost always good! 😊

So I will try again with a post from last night….

When did I become a woman? More importantly at what point did I start viewing myself that way?

I was thinking last night about a certain situation and I ended up calling myself a woman in what was to possibly be my words to someone.

As soon as I had the thought I was immediately sidetracked. I have never seamlessly called myself a woman. Much less referred to myself as one in discussion. When did that change happen? What has happened in my life that I now believe I embody the word woman?

Up until 3 and a half years ago when I was medicated for my Bipolar I would have told you I’m not grow up to be considered a woman. I refer to myself as girl, lady, female, anything else. And really it has been in recent months I have started to look at myself differently.

I AM a woman. I have lived if life that has taken me places I never thought I would go and given me things I never even knew I wanted. I am funny, intelligent, hard working, caring, loving, friendly, considerate, empathetic, and wise. Why shouldn’t I consider myself a word that embodies so many of those things.

I have fought and give my tears for so many different things. I have given of myself to the people I love and I have stood strong in the process. I am in ways and in many cases the calm in the storm. I embrace what is happening and I seek ways to learn from it.

I have peace I don’t think I have ever had before. Maybe it’s in that peace that I have found the strength to see the amazing, kind, and loving woman that I truly am.

So today I will face my day with the knowledge that I AM enough! That the thing we as women strive for is the very thing I have finally found. I am a strong woman. I am a loving woman. And I am a woman that knows what she wants and how to get it.

I am a woman that can take that peace and apply it to the situations and issues in my life and use the wisdom I have found to help others along the way. I am a mom and for a long time I thought that word defined me. But now I realize that yes being a Mom does in many ways define. But being a woman is about ALL of me. And all of me is enough to be called a woman of grace and dignity and love. And for that, I am eternally grateful!!

Be blessed!!

FYI- I don’t think it’s as good as the original. But it’s pretty good. Lol


I am consumed and I don’t know how to fix it.

I didn’t find out I was Bipolar until I was 33. At 33 my oldest son was 15 before I was diagnosed and medicated. So he has lived most of his life with a Mom that’s a little crazy! I think that because I wasn’t medicated my brain did not see the things that it does now. I knew he was an amazing kid and I enjoyed talking with him but I don’t think I could really see it.

Four years later my meds are fully on board and my two younger kids are 14 and 12(13 in June) and I am consumed by watching them and seeing the things they do. I am consumed by the clarity that I now have. My illness started in 8th grade. I did things I wasn’t supposed to. I didn’t listen to teachers, I didn’t listen to my parents or friends or anyone. At the time I’m not really sure what I thought but somehow I thought it was normal.

I was wrong!! I was messed up and my thoughts were not that of a normal 13 year old. My thoughts were chaotic and I remember over and over telling myself tomorrow would be different. And then tomorrow came and I did something wrong or said things that were inappropriate or started a fight(verbal argument) with someone. I argued with my bible class teachers and parents and anyone else that I thought needed to be set straight.

I have seen so clearly through my kids that so much of my life was not normal. A couple weeks ago my daughter was telling me about a girl at school that always has her phone out but never gets in trouble. So I asked her if she ever got her phone out. To which she replied, “No, I would be the one that would get in trouble and you would yell at me”. I looked at her sand said, “that’s a good attitude to have, I never had that attitude.”

She’s told me that before that she doesn’t do something cause I will yell at her(by yell she means a lecture that lasts longer than she wants and makes her roll her eyes🙄) It doesn’t seem like a big deal but for me it is. It consumes me, I think about it over and over and wonder why I was the one that had to be different. I have always carried around a little resentment but I just can’t take this consumed feeling that I get on a regular basis.

It doesn’t help that I have very good kids. Don’t get me wrong I am so proud of them. I am so thankful that I get to watch them do amazing things. Like last week my 14 year old 8th grade boy used his own money to buy his whole 8th period class valentines. It was like $40 and he just shrugged his shoulder when I said that was really sweet and nice of you. Lily had a teacher ask her to help at a special event at school and she was one of only two people asked.

It consumes me how good and amazing they are and how horrible my teenage years were. I know that I have been able to do a,axing things and that I am a very vocal advocate for mental health. But it’s sure hard sometimes to watch them and not think what if. I need it to go away. I WANT it to go away. I want to be able to enjoy my awesome kids without the thought that I missed out and I was ill for close to 20 years of my life. At this point that’s over half. I am so glad I am better. I am so glad that I can look at my kids and my life and really see and understand what is going on.

But I am consumed I can’t find the light. I can’t stop being sad for my younger self and I don’t know how to let go of the fact that it’s not fair. It washes over me like a wave. I am fine and then my daughter does something or tells me a story and it all flows through me again. I am so happy and at the same time I am so sad. I don’t know how to fix it and I don’t know how to make that part of me at peace. I don’t know what it will take for me to accept it and let it go but I hope it comes soon because being consumed by this at the most mundane moments is getting really old and tired. How sad that I look at my kids and see what missed out of instead of just being proud that I have really GOOD kids!,

As always be blessed!


I’ve been thinking a lot about kids the last few months. Our oldest is now officially in college and I miss him something fierce. And he doesn’t seem to understand that even a little. I know, I know, it’s his age. Blah, blah, blah. I spent 18 years being his Mom and if him treating me like I mean something to him and that he wants me in his life is wrong. Well then, in wrong and I will stay wrong. And just getting over it isn’t really something I’m interested in doing.

People often agree with me in theory but have a hard time understanding that I really try to practice what I preach. And I appreciate when others treat me that way. I keep getting talked to and having discussions where people act like I’m not who I say I am. Or that I don’t try to live by and stand by the things I say and do. Am I wrong sometimes? Sure, probably pretty regularly. But that doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated like crap.

I have found myself looking at the meme’s and reading articles about single mothers and wondering what all the hype is and why they get so much credit. Now before you freak I was a single Mom for almost 4 years. But I had a LOT of help. In reality I still do from my family and from people who care about my kids. But there are very few single mothers who don’t have the same. Actually in many ways they get MORE help than I got with my three kids when I was married and my husband was working. I had him and he was tired(rightfully so). He did his best to help in the evenings when he was home but I still spent at least 8 hours a day alone with kids. Where’s my meme or my cheering section. I get this isn’t something most people will say or even talk about for that matter. But I get tired of hearing it. In many ways what I do is so much hard than being single. My husband and I have to figure out how to be on the same page about discipline, and what our kids participate in. Not to mention the part where I am HIS wife and have things that I have to think about regarding him. I mean really being single would allow me to make decisions based on me and no one else. So ya I’m a little frustrated and irritated.

I am not nor have I ever claimed to be perfect but if all I have to look forward to is my other 2 kids moving out and not speaking to me. Well, I’m just not interested in that. Maybe I should give up now. Cause why would I want to do that? I don’t ever remember one single person telling me how hard this was going to be. Or how it will be just as hard with my other two. And they will go on living their lives seemingly without even a thought to how I might feel or that I miss them. And I’m just supposed to shove all that and pretend it’s ok because I am still their parent? That doesn’t make sense to me. If it doesn’t matter what I do my kids kids are going to be mad about it and carry it into their adult lives then why do I try so hard?? Right or wrong doesn’t seem to matter or play a part. Much less the fact that I have more experience than them and they still manage to treat me like I don’t know anything.

On another topic. I got a new job. It’s a brand new restaurant that opened yesterday. Their computers went down and messed up and they pulled us out of our positions and had the training team step in. I get, I do. I’ve worked in good a long time I know how it works. But I feel like I was set up to fail from the beginning and then spent about 15 minutes crying. Ugh!! You know how you never want people to see you at your worst or (gasp) crying. Well I’ve just decided I will never be in a position again where I can hold it together. Where I don’t have to tell people that I have an illness. Which just makes me wish 1) I didn’t have an illness, and 2) that I never found out I have an illness.

Now to be clear. I know I have an illness and I am completely med compliant because well, God made smart people who figured out how to make these amazing meds and if I didn’t take them I feel like I would be spitting in Gods face. And I make enough mistakes I don’t need to add that one. Plus, for the most part I really like who I am medicated. Even 3 years later I have these moments where I can see things with such clarity and I am blown away by them. And I mean that. I have moments where it’s like the world stops spinning and I have such clarity of thought. Something that I didn’t even know was possible pre medication. But it still gets tiring.

It is physically and mentally painful for me on days like yesterday. All these people are looking at me and trying to make sure I’m ok and they have no clue. Thankfully no one has followed up and I hope that no one says anything. Because I don’t want to tell them and I’m afraid that I will have to. But people really do start looking at you differently. Or they act like the things you say have less meaning even though you KNOW how to do your job and you’ve done it long enough you have a TON of tricks and secrets. But they don’t want to listen. Maybe that’s just because they have to learn for themselves but it sure doesn’t feel that way to me.

So I pray they don’t ask, I pray that if they ask I won’t decide to tell them because it really is so hard to do. Oh oh!! Also, I have already had 2 of my co-workers tell me they are bipolar. One isn’t on medication at all and the other one only takes an anti depressant. Who I am to say?? No one. But to be honest they aren’t the first ones to say that. And they aren’t the first ones to say it and not be on medication like I am. And I consider myself lucky because I only take 4 meds. My point is. I will likely feel very lonely for the rest of my life. Even when people say they understand most of them don’t. They can walk around not medicated and still take care of their lives and family. I don’t think they truly understand. The more I look back the more I realize that this illness has been causing problems in my life at least since I was 12 or 13. That’s a lot of years of things might have been different if. Not to mention that it’s so hard to process when you know you did something wrong and I did some of those things. But there are other things that I know I likely would not have done had I known about my illness. I don’t blame anyone or anything. It’s just hard to think about. And it’s a little bit hard to watch my kids thrive and do so well and be such good kids at the exact same age I was when things started going off the rails. I live with these things because I really have no choice and I’m sure people really don’t care. Especially my kids. They haven’t seen all the things that have happened over the last 15 years. They have no idea what I have done and been a part of with my step kids. I never would have thought I would have to fight to see and be around my own kids. I’m having a really tough time with this and it makes me so sad!

So I guess that’s probably enough. I should really update more!! Will try to do better!!

My Babies Aren’t Babies

I’m 36. I just finished reading an article from a woman that is 45 to the 30 something mothers of young children. I read that article and I have read many more like it. They are wonderful and most of the time spot on. What you don’t here about much is the 30 somethings will grown or almost grown kids. 

I had my oldest a month after I turned 18. So if you can do math he is now 18. And graduated and going to college(in town here, but still). Then I have a 13 and 12 year old. I’m not done parenting by any stretch but it’s definitely a vastly different world than having toddlers or infants. My sister, who will be 35 in July had a 10 y/o, a 3y/o, and a 6 month old. We are at completely seperate ends of the parenting cycle. 

While there’s nothing wrong with that I do often feel alone. In a world where people are waiting later and later to have children. I had mine early. My daughter will graduate when I am 42. While it’s exciting to think my husband and I will finally be able to do more together without anyone else. It isn’t something that I know anything about. 

I have always been a mother. I have never been an adult person without children. And while kids growing up and moving out of has different so many emotions balled up together. For me it just kind of makes me paralyzed. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to act. I don’t even know how to think without  kids being involved. Every decision that’s made includes them. 

I am that 45 year old woman looking at people my own age and saying. You WILL miss this. It WILL get better. It will change and the things driving you mad right now will change into being terrified of your kids making decisions for themselves. I know so many things about kids. About how they act and the things they do. And I try to share as much as I can. I see the mother with three kids in the back of her van and feel compelled to say “you’re gonna make it. It will be ok.”

Not that any of this is wrong or bad but it’s very different. I also have a step daughter who is grown with her own kids. Not to many people my age know what it’s like to try to love and help someone who is already adult with their own children. So I know things. I know that your children will make decisions that break your heart. I know that parenting a grown up is vastly different and requires a lot of thought and consciousness of what you say and do. I know that teenagers will get mad at you, and stay mad at you no matter how much you do for them. I know that sometimes you have to make very difficult choices in order to protect your child from him or her self. And I know that as you start to realize you are getting your life back. You carry around in the pit of your stomach a fear and worry that never completely goes away. 

I’m 36. I don’t have a lot of people my age that can relate because they all have young children. I am 36 and know things that Mommas in their 40’s know. I am 36 and my sister, who’s 18 months younger than me, can’t really relate to anything that is happening in my life right now. I’m 36 and I feel like I have already lived a lifetime. A lifetime of love and of laughter. A lifetime of pain and anguish. A lifetime of trying to help teach and guide my children into being the people that they should be. A lifetime of putting myself in the back burner to the point that I woke up one day and there was no you left for me to use that back burner. So it’s my time or our time. And I don’t know what to do with it. Because I still have 2 that have several years to go I still don’t know the feeling of not having someone know where I am or what I am doing. But they are old enough that I can do things without them. And that means that there is more time for me. I find myself wondering what that means. I don’t really know what to do with my time. For the most part every minute or of everyday has been full of others wants and needs. I wasn’t able to sit and watch a movie because someone always needed something. Or they were fighting or any number of other things. When you start being a Mom before your ever really an adult you don’t get to decide what you want to do. You don’t get to do things and not worry about someone else. You can’t just decide to pick up and go somewhere or do something. I didn’t go to my first real concert until I was late 20’s. Not because I didn’t have someone to watch my kids but because they are my kids. And while all parents need a break from time to time I never felt right asking others to watch my kids on a regular basis. 

So here I sit at 36. With the knowledge of people much older than me and people around me that don’t necessarily believe me when I tell them things. I have already been through the years where I thought I was a bad Mom, ALL THE TIME!!!! I have come out in the other side and as I watched my son walk across that stage this year and get his high school diploma. I knew that I did good. I knew that if I never do anything else I made an actual real impact on his life. I knew then that it doesn’t matter how old you are. Or how you choose to raise your kids. It’s the love and life lessons you help them learn that ultimately leave an imprint on everything that they do. Ya I started young. Yes, there were those who I’m sure believed I would fail. At raising my son. At staying married. At being the person I need to be for my step daughter. But I have done ALL those things. They aren’t in the future they are RIGHT NOW!! And I get to be proud and I get to let a little bit of that fear go because I know that if the only thing they ever learned from me is love. That’s enough. So even though I’m 36 and once again hitting a milestone long before this around me. I KNOW that I have something to give. And I know that I have living proof that I made a difference. 

So to the 30 something moms. Please know that there will be a day when you too can say “I made a difference”. When you can say the love my children learned came from me. When you too will know that while it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done, it’s also the very best thing you have done. And that is true for everyone of us that chooses  our kids and puts in the time it takes to love them. And to teach them that if they know nothing else they know their mother loves them. 

Thanks for reading. Be blessed! And kiss those babies!!