I don’t know if this issue is related to bipolar or just me. But while I have many many aquantainces and people that love me, I don’t have a best friend! And I haven’t in many years. You know that person you talk to almost daily and that you want to call first thing when life happens and you need to vent.
I have my husband and he’s a really good guy. He tries to listen when I need him to. And he does he best to support me while I’m working it out. But he’s not a girl. He doesn’t have conversations like girls do, and I miss that.
I have had close friends over the years. I used to think that I had them so I could help them through a hard time, or times. And I have I’ve done it many times. And then it feels like they outgrow me and move on and then they don’t need me anymore. Sometimes I still believe that because it hard.
But now I think it’s more that I was able to help them with whatever their issues were and once they are back on their feet they just go back to their life. I helped them in a way that allowed them to move forward to better things. How could that not be a good thing?
It is but it’s also lonely. And this is where the Bipolar comes in. Because sometimes I do really good at keeping up and other times I don’t. I realize that’s something that everyone deals with at different times because of kids, or job, or whatever. But for me I just get tired. I get tired of searching for someone that will be my friend and that I can share life with. You know, have over to the house. Show up at their house when I don’t want to be at mine for whatever reason. I haven’t had that in nearly 20 years. Of course, I had young kids for much of that time AND I moved across the country after I graduated high school. It’s hard to make friends without school to help out. There have been people who are really sweet to me and tried to include me.
I guess maybe because of the unending brain overdrive I think to much. I feel like I am a burden. I feel like the things other people have to do are more important than me. And that might be true sometimes, but not always. Plus there’s the fact that I have a tendency to over react to situations around me. Even if it’s only something I think happened.
I am trying to work on it. I’m trying to keep in better touch with the people who put the effort in and show me their love. But I think the truth is as you get older those people diminish anyway. Not because they don’t want to but because life gets in the way. And if you have kids you can pretty much forget having friends. You can’t even finish a whole conversation most of the time when the kids are young.
But still I see people around me with friends and people who care about them. And I don’t really have that. Sure there are people who care but it’s not like I see them and hang out with them. It’s exhausting trying to find friends when all of your are and have been across the country for 20 years. It’s harder to build a bond once you are out of school and once you have been hurt by people. It’s like your a turtle and you just pull into your shell and ignore the world. And that I think is even more so if you are bipolar.
Relationships take effort. And especially when you are married and have a family it’s hard to find that effort. I am trying to find it again. But it’s an uphill battle and one that I am not sure I will win. I am awkward in group situations too. I end up talking to much and then I feel like I stole everyone’s time. When I try to be quiet it’s extremely hard for me, and I don’t get to bond that way either. Then there’s all the other things that come along. You finally find a friend and it’s a person who is so needy you can’t handle it and basically have to vault the friendship. Plus, I get bored. I don’t want to hear the same story and the same issues over and over. Let’s mix it up. Talk about something else. Man, I don’t know.
I thought this was gonna be a good post. I think it has mostly ended up with no answer and no solution. Maybe one day I will figure it out. I sure hope so. But until then I have an awesome family and amazing kids. And I’m ok with that, mostly. And maybe one day I will meet that perfect best friend and we will live the next half of our lives making memories and driving everybody crazy!!
Thanks did reading! Be blessed today!!