Do you have friends??


I don’t know if this issue is related to bipolar or just me. But while I have many many aquantainces and people that love me, I don’t have a best friend! And I haven’t in many years. You know that person you talk to almost daily and that you want to call first thing when life happens and you need to vent. 

I have my husband and he’s a really good guy. He tries to listen when I need him to. And he does he best to support me while I’m working it out. But he’s not a girl. He doesn’t have conversations like girls do, and I miss that. 

I have had close friends over the years. I used to think that I had them so I could help them through a hard time, or times. And I have I’ve done it many times. And then it feels like they outgrow me and move on and then they don’t need me anymore. Sometimes I still believe that because it hard. 

But now I think it’s more that I was able to help them with whatever their issues were and once they are back on their feet they just go back to their life. I helped them in a way that allowed them to move forward to better things. How could that not be a good thing?

It is but it’s also lonely. And this is where the Bipolar comes in. Because sometimes I do really good at keeping up and other times I don’t. I realize that’s something that everyone deals with at different times because of kids, or job, or whatever. But for me I just get tired. I get tired of searching for someone that will be my friend and that I can share life with. You know, have over to the house. Show up at their house when I don’t want to be at mine for whatever reason. I haven’t had that in nearly 20 years. Of course, I had young kids for much of that time AND I moved  across the country after I graduated high school. It’s hard to make friends without school to help out. There have been people who are really sweet to me and tried to include me. 

I guess maybe because of the unending brain overdrive I think to much. I feel like I am a burden. I feel like the things other people have to do are more important than me. And that might be true sometimes, but not always. Plus there’s the fact that I have a tendency to over react to situations around me. Even if it’s only something I think happened. 

I am trying to work on it. I’m trying to keep in better touch with the people who put the effort in and show me their love. But I think the truth is as you get older those people diminish anyway. Not because they don’t want to but because life gets in the way. And if you have kids you can pretty much forget having friends. You can’t even finish a whole conversation most of the time when the kids are young. 

But still I see people around me with friends and people who care about them. And I don’t really have that. Sure there are people who care but it’s not like I see them and hang out with them. It’s exhausting trying to find friends when all of your are and have been across the country for 20 years. It’s harder to build a bond once you are out of school and once you have been hurt by people. It’s like your a turtle and you just pull into your shell and ignore the world. And that I think is even more so if you are bipolar. 

Relationships take effort. And especially when you are married and have a family it’s hard to find that effort. I am trying to find it again. But it’s an uphill battle and one that I am not sure I will win. I am awkward in group situations too. I end up talking to much and then I feel like I stole everyone’s time. When I try to be quiet it’s extremely hard for me, and I don’t get to bond that way either. Then there’s all the other things that come along. You finally find a friend and it’s a person who is so needy you can’t handle it and basically have to vault the friendship. Plus, I get bored. I don’t want to hear the same story and the same issues over and over. Let’s mix it up. Talk about something else. Man, I don’t know. 

I thought this was gonna be a good post. I think it has mostly ended up with no answer and no solution. Maybe one day I will figure it out. I sure hope so. But until then I have an awesome family and amazing kids. And I’m ok with that, mostly. And maybe one day I will meet that perfect best friend and we will live the next half of our lives making memories and driving everybody crazy!!

Thanks did reading! Be blessed today!!

Anxiety


I have never really paid much attention to anxiety. I don’t know why. I guess for so many years I just didn’t even think about mental health. But when I didn’t have a choice but to face a major life change it seems that anxiety really takes hold of me and won’t let go. 

In a way I am thankful for the things that have happened. The panic attacks and the never ending rock stuck inside me. I mean I’ve been on my other meds for almost 3 years now. And I have been stable. So this feeling as it built to critical mass wasn’t something I really thought about. 

I went to see the PA at my doctors office. I basically said “I don’t care if I am comatose. I WILL NOT be the center of attention at my son’s graduation because I can’t control what is going on inside me. She asked a bunch of the normal questions. And I answered them. But I am extremely self aware, most of the time. When I finally figured out what was happening was anxiety. I realized something could be done about it. So, she prescribed me a new medication. It is not in the family of klonopin, and clonazapam. I don’t want to take those kinds of medications, unless it is a very last resort. 

So, I am happy to report that I think this medication is going to work. It’s a take as needed thing. I took one the first day and within 15 minutes I could feel that rock inside me starting to shift and leave. I am so so happy about this. I pray it keeps working and doesn’t cause me any problems. I was able to go to work and not let little things bother me that have been bothering me for weeks. To the point where I was carrying it with me all the time. 

I probably should have examined this more closely sooner. But I just honestly figured the meds I already take would cover that. Boy was I wrong. I’m still going to take some time off work. I need it and with graduation 3 weeks away I need to focus on celebrating my baby and the man he is becoming. Maybe after that I may try working a couple days a week or something. I don’t know. I do know I am so grateful for medications that help me be who I am. That allow the real me to come out without all the bad stuff all the time. Believe it or not I get tired of it too. All I want is to put it away because I know I’m the long run it really isn’t that important. 

I’m still exhausted but I am excited about what is to come. And I am so so excited to watch my baby graduate from high school. He’s earned it and I couldn’t possibly be more proud. 

As always, thanks for reading!!

And have a blessed day!!

And then it’s not…..


I have done pretty well for the last 3 years. I have had issues here and there but I have been mostly stable. 

Well, it started when my son won 4th in State in his weight class for wrestling. Whoop whoop!! Anyway, the second the match was over I went into a full blown panic attack. I thought it was because he deserved 3rd place, which he did, but boy was I wrong. 

I made the hour long trip home alone with the music turned up. On that ride I realized it wasn’t the match that was bothering me. It was that it was over. Wrestling being over meant that all that was left is graduation. And then the crying started all over again. 

I have been trying since then to get myself ready or prepare myself for graduation, and get to a place where I could make it through that day without being a complete basket case. 

A couple weeks ago I finally faced the fact that isn’t going to happen. And that I need something to help me, if even just for that day. I refuse to destroy HIS day because I can’t control my emotions. 

One day in the car I caught one line from the song My Wish, by Rascal Flatts, and it literally took my breath away. Out of no where. I can’t even think about the actual day without tearing up. 

Then some stuff at work got added to that and I just can’t deal. I want everything to go away. I just want to be left alone. I am not allowing myself to isolate because I know that would only make it worse. And I HAVE to make it through graduation with a smile on my face. He deserves it and he has earned it. And I am so far past proud of who he is and where he is going. 

So I had another panic attack this week mostly because of work. But I know that the underlying reason is that I am not handling this whole graduating thing well( see sitting here with tears running down my face even talking about it). I don’t want my son to see me this way on his big day. I want him to see and know how proud of him I am and that he is truly amazing!

It’s really not fair. I don’t want to be this way. My logical mind can seperate the two but my subconscious seems to be stuck and I can’t figure out how to get it unstuck. I am so unbelievably overwhelmed and I can’t figure out how to make myself fix it. So at this point I am wondering if I am just gonna have to be almost comatose to make it through this day. I don’t want that either. I want to remember this day. I want to treasure it. 

See I don’t know how to live without him with me. I had just turned 18 when I had him. He has always been there. I have never been an adult without him. I have tried to say that in an effort to prepare myself. But even as I type this my eyes well up just saying the words. I will have to start to learn how to be my own person, and not a Mom. Of course I still have my younger 2 but they aren’t far behind him. 5 and 6 years from now I will be in the same place with them. But I don’t know how to do that. I can’t even begin to know how to enjoy life and have fun without my babies. To be clear I have always been a mother. I have always had someone else to think about and worry about. To make a decision strictly for myself very rarely happens. There’s always kids involved somehow, even if it’s just finding a babysitter. I don’t really know how to do anything different. And I am pretty confident this is not something anyone can tell me how to do. I have to figure out how to let go and how to be me all by myself. Well, with my husband of course but that’s not the same as kids. 

I know they will always be mine. I know they will always be around and love me, us, and each other. But that doesn’t change the fact that my subconscious is having a field day with this. And I am suffering in the process. I have taken what amounts to a leave of absence from work. I really can’t deal with this and some issues that are going on there. I hate to admit this is where I am at. I don’t want to be here. I want to keep working so I have spending money. But I’m gonna have to give that up for now because I can’t carry all this stuff into a work environment. It only makes it worse and I can’t do my job right. 

This isn’t fun! It’s not something I want or would choose. But one thing I have learned is that if I don’t listen to what my mind is telling me it will only continue to get worse. So I will take this time off. Unless I get a handle on this,  likely until after we pack my son up and move him into the dorm in August I will be working on other things here at home. Maybe I will try to make some things to sell or for Christmas presents for family. I have to take this time. I have to slow down and wrap my mind around these majors changes. If I don’t I know it won’t be ok. And I could likely end up hurting the people I love and care about, and I do NOT want to do that. It’s hard to face this reality, especially when I have been so stable, but ignoring won’t help anyone. 

If you’ve read all this. Thanks! I hope maybe something resonated with you and you might be better for it. Even if not be blessed today!!

Random thoughts


I’m in bed the other night thinking about something someone had said about having bipolar and having children. And while I’m having this little dark storm all of a sudden it hits me. I wasn’t supposed to be a good mom, I was supposed to be the 17-year-old who had no clue and ruined her life and didn’t know what was about to happen to her when her son was born. 

Then out of nowhere it hit me. I am a good mom. I have an 18-year-old son who is about to graduate from high school with good grades having been a part of the football team and placing fourth and stay in his weight class for Wrestling. All those times I wondered and thought about it and beat myself up because I thought I wasn’t being a good mom. Those things are true! Even when I didn’t know that I was sick and I didn’t have any medication somehow I managed to make something beautiful.

I am constantly told how lucky and blessed I am. And I am I would never say anything different. But it was a lot of work a lot of work for me something I had to try to do something that I had to fight myself with every day and still do. People understand it’s not about a lack of empathy it’s about the inability to control your emotions. It may seem like I don’t have empathy or I don’t care about someone’s life situation or their childhood or whatever. But I do I probably care more than anyone else on the planet. And I have to carry that with me every day.

I am working on being able to be more able to show my emotions without them over taking my light for my day. It’s not easy. And it’s not something that I wish every day there was just a magical pill for. But there isn’t so I just have to do the best I can with what I have every day. 

There are many times when I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. But it’s not because I don’t care it’s because certain situations are about the other person and it’s not fair for me to drag my emotional in adequacy’s into whatever situation is happening. Like I said that because I don’t care about because I often only have two choices. Plus, when I comes to my kids I have basically zero ability to be neutral or to not want to fix something for them. Especially if it’s something that is out of their control and a major event in their life.

I will tell you it’s been tough lately. We didn’t get much of a break over Christmas with everything going on. And every time I think I’m gonna have a minute something else magically appears in that timeslot. LOL so right now I am doing my best to make sure that everything gets done that needs to be done that I’m where I need to be when I need to be there. And I’m really working on trying to adjust my attitude a little. I don’t want people around me to think about or see me in a negative light. I don’t know if they do or not. But I don’t want to cause it to be worse than it has to be.

It’s been hard just like everything seemingly and my life has been hard. It doesn’t come easy. It’s not a swift change. And most of the time I honestly have no idea if the people around me even notice. Most of the time I just feel like a bagel burden to around me. I’m pretty open about my bipolar, what else is there to do. It’s not like I can be like or doesn’t exist I’m just gonna be you know exist out here in the middle of everywhere. So I keep moving and I keep doing and I keep Carrie and I keep watching. Have you ever watched your children? You might be surprise what you see and what you find. I watched Justin during this wrestling season. And he was so good with the other kids. There were only three seniors and all three of them were really good about talking to the other kids and helping them work it out with them etc. etc. How proud can you possibly be when someone that you gave birth to is being the person that God made him to be.

I am overwhelmed with love and pride for this boy. I hope that he knows how much we love him. And are proud of him. And when I see him do these things I see myself and him so how could any of it has ever been wrong.

My son is an amazing person and amazing young man and that’s not in spite of me that’s because of me (and the rest of my amazing family). I made a lot of bad choices. But I made a lot of good choices too. And my son is a reflection of the good choices not so much the bad. One of my biggest pet peeve’s is that I hear too many people who are bipolar saybut I’m bipolar it’s not my fault. Or they have a bad attitude so they are making it hard for me. For the vast majority if you are on meds and see a doctor regularly you should be able to control some of these little issues. 

Let’s say you want to stop yelling at your kids. It doesn’t have to do with how good/bad they are it has to do with you and what you decide. And probably saying I’m never going to yell again in unreasonable. But make it an hour or 2 hours or 10 minutes if that s all the reasonably think you can do. It’s not about what you try but about your willingness to make it happen. This stands for everyone, not just people who are bipolar. And saying it isn’t gonna make it happen over night. But we DO have control, especially if we are basically medicated correctly. 

Being Bipolar is hard. Anyone that that has it or interacts closely with someone that does has seen how it has its own ups and downs and knows that it can change from seconds to second sometimes. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try and it doesn’t mean we are incapable of making change and holding onto more control over our lives. 

I’m so proud of my kids. I’m so blessed that I get to see them grow and talk to them everyday. I am even more proud that I was able to do these things undiagnosed and medicated for years. It seems like the world has completely flipped upside down. Being medicated has allowed me to see what my life and emotional health was before and now. I honestly don’t know how I ever managed one day much less managed to do the good things in my life. My husband is a saint. And I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for him, his insight, and his decision to stick to what he knew was true for years. I am one very blessed lady. And while these days are hard and ful right now and I honestly need a little break I know they won’t last forever and I know each interaction is a gift and a blessing. 
Thanks for reading. Be blessed today!!

And then this……


So after feeling so good and getting so much done the last couple weeks have kicked my butt!! I typically try to spread things out and plan my week on Saturday/Sunday. That way the week goes smoothly and I can prepare myself for whatever the week holds. I did good for the most part last week and then Friday happened! My daughter was supposed to have a 9am surgery that was supposed to last 45 minutes(minor surgery, she’s ok). And so we got there at 830, I usually don’t get up till 10. I only took one sleeping pill because it’s easier when I get up early. So I hadn’t slept great and as we sat there watching the Inauguration and the clock it quickly became 11am. My son was in the spelling Bee that morning so I texted my husband that he was gonna have to come to the hospital to wait on her. He got there about 1220 and I went straight to work. Conviently I live across the street from where I work and as I watched and waited for a text. I didn’t get a text or see my husband’s car. About 315 he tells me he doesn’t think they are gonna make it before the bus came. So, I beg my boss to run across the street to have our neighbor get my kids off the bus. Thankfully it was fine. Ugh!! Talk about anxiety and stress. Anyway, the kids got off the bus, my husband picked them up from the neighbors and when I got off at 420 I went home to help with our grandsons. I worked on the video I am making for my sons graduation this year. And let the boys watch a movie before going to sleep. I went to our bedroom to join my husband in some TV watching about 9. My amazing husband let me sleep till my 10 on Saturday and I got up and went to work. After work I took the boys home to their Mom and went to meet my mom, sisters, and my younger daughter and niece for dinner. We have crazy schedules but we try to plan a movie and dinner at least once a year. We will go again in March to see Beauty and the Beast and have dinner again. Come home and watch little TV with my husband(it is our time and we make sure to have it most days). Get up Sunday morning get potatoes ready, wrap presents, and head to Moms house for Lemmons Family Christmas. My niece had surgery in December in Florida and my brother drives a truck so we had to get all the schedules in line. Got to relax a little last night and got up at about 10 today. But my dog had gotten up about 530 and pooped in my room. The smell was so strong that it infiltrated my dream and woke me up. I know gross, but you may as well know everything. I work today tomorrow and Wednesday and then I will have Thursday off. I am so looking forward to Thursday with all the kids at school and being able to just relax!

These weeks are the hardest for me. Most of our weeks are busy with 4 kids, 2 grandkids, work for me and household stuff for my husband. But when things go wrong, like on Friday, it takes me days to recover and feel like myself again. Oh did I mention my kids insurance is inactive and has been since September. I didn’t find out until December when I sent in proof of income. Now they are telling me that technical support has to look at it and they have no idea how long that will take and that once it goes to technical it could take a while. Ugh! That’s ok I will just let my kids die if they need to go to the doctor and I don’t have the money. J/K but good grief!! Anyway, it’s not until you really start thinking about it that you realize how much really happens in a day or in a week. If you asked me, on any day other than Friday) I would tell you that we live a pretty simple life and enjoy spending time at the house just being a family. I believe that being at home with family should trump anything else. I don’t have kids with crazy schedules, they have a few activities they do and enjoy but I think it’s important for them to be home too. My son that’s a senior is a wrestling so he has a busy schedule. But once it is over at the end of February he will go back to working and we will hopefully see him a little more at least. Sometimes I wonder if it’s unfair that because of my illness my kids don’t get to run around all over town and do the things they want all the time. But ultimately I believe that I will have no time to talk to them or teach them or help them if we are all always running around and never home. Some of the talks I have, especially with my oldest, are so important knowing that he will be in college next year! 

These days and weeks like this are rather hard for me. I am trying to pay attention and learn what I can. Better ways to handle it or cope with the unknown things that pop up. This is a steep variation to my normal posts but wanted to post about it while I’m still in the middle of tryi to catch back up with life after a steeply difficult busy and stressful weekend. Be blessed today!!!

When normal doesn’t feel normal 


There’s a lot of talk about what is normal and what isn’t. For me it is very clear that there is a normal and that most of the time I don’t fall into that category. Don’t get me wrong I get the wordage, but it really doesn’t bother me. It bothers me more to try to be normal or find normal things about myself than to just accept that I’m not and learn how to live with that reality. Being diagnosed at 34 but having previous experience with counseling and doctors I truly believe that I have a truly different perspective. My life and my thoughts and feelings aren’t just like no one else’s but I have a special gift. I am able to see and feel things that most people don’t. The last month has been so great! I have enjoyed energy and the ability to keep busy yet not lose my mind. As weird as it may sound I believe it’s because I am in the middle of something that happens every year about this time. I find energy when there is none. I wake up and getting up isn’t a difficult process. Through a series of events I spend about 2 weeks off both of my anti depressants. It was during this time that I realized I may not need 2. So at my doctors visit at the end of December he went ahead and stopped the Prozac. With a warning to call if things change and I feel like I need to start taking it again. I feel great! I feel like I can plan things and actually follow through with them. I don’t have to force myself to do the simplest of tasks and that makes it easier as well. I believe right now I am smack in the middle of my normal. I wish I could feel this way all the time and that I wouldn’t be up and down so much. But that’s the reality of this illness. I can’t force it to do what I want by sheer force of will. I have to accept the fact that my normal is far from most people’s normal. I don’t think it react the way others do. I am able to empathize to the point of almost feeling someone else’s pain and because of that sometimes I only can give so much. And I have to be in charge of what I can give and when I can give it. When I do that I stay healthy. I am able to get up and keep going and take care of my family and go to work. I am blessed by the differences in a way that I hope in the long run will define me. I don’t have to be normal. I can be me and I can give of myself in a way that changes lives. If there’s one person in my life that is saved from pain or is shown love for the first time I have been the most real me as possible. We shouldn’t seek to find a normal. We should seek to be healthy and to make the most out of our lives. We should embrace our “illness” and not allow it to define who we are and what our legacy is. We should stand strong and we should above all love in a way that changes people’s life’s. Be blessed dear friends!! And light it up!! Being Bipolar doesn’t have to be a curse, you can use it and be a blessing even when you feel like you have nothing to give. 

Definition of racing thoughts 


We don’t really have any Christmas Eve traditions in our family. I may have to look into changing that over the next couple years. 

Anyway, I am sitting here thinking about my thoughts. I probably wouldn’t be if my husband and I hadn’t had this exchange. “I tell him I am going to the store after some more candy for the stockings. He said, ” I only went to get you some doctor peppers for tomorrow since we probably won’t leave the house tomorrow and I didn’t see you already bought some until after.”

I know you’re thinking great story. My husband and I discussed our food menu today too. Lol

As soon as he got done saying that I looked at the counter and laughed. I bought those 2 liters yesterday as in over 24 hours ago and he didn’t see them. My first thought in my head was how can he go a whole day and not look at the counter that faces the doorway. Seriously to me you have to TRY not to look. 

My next thought was that I have known I was different, like really different, for as long as I can remember. And when I physically watch someone’s mind work in a completely different  way it blows my mind, every time!!! 

Oh to be the person who can look straight at a counter numberous times in a day and not see something sitting in plain sight. It’s not too much of a jump for me to start to see where that difference comes. People really do live their lives without constant and intrusive thoughts flying around. If you ask me those people are blessed not to have to live in the land of never ending thoughts. 

But I have also seen how life would have to be so boring if you actually stop thinking about things. I can see how it’s obsessive, sure, but I think I might lose my mind if I spend too much time literally not thinking or talking. Although of course I can’t be sure because you can’t really prove a negative. 

But hey it seems to make sense to me. We can’t just slow down enough to be content and enjoy life. We have to have that constant focus or purpose in the future and in everyday. I always feel that in some way I have make an impact on something real everyday. I may not always succeed but even chores and such sometimes I do them when I don’t have to. The same way I sometimes hear conversations in my head that are only truly MY thoughts. What I think someone will say or do if I act or say what I’m going to say. There is no way to predict that. I have got to learn to let go and just take the time to live. And realize that it’s ok and that there doesn’t always have to be a purpose, or something to do. Being still and enjoy the little things and my family is the most important thing I need to do. 

So for a little while tomorrow I will be with my family and laugh and eat and spend time together we will never get back. If I can do that. At least for a while there is hope for even greater things to come
Be blessed!! 

If you aren’t feeling blessed right now because life is kicking you please know there are people who think about and pray for you daily. If you need someone to talk to please message me on Facebook or send me an email.