I have done pretty well for the last 3 years. I have had issues here and there but I have been mostly stable.
Well, it started when my son won 4th in State in his weight class for wrestling. Whoop whoop!! Anyway, the second the match was over I went into a full blown panic attack. I thought it was because he deserved 3rd place, which he did, but boy was I wrong.
I made the hour long trip home alone with the music turned up. On that ride I realized it wasn’t the match that was bothering me. It was that it was over. Wrestling being over meant that all that was left is graduation. And then the crying started all over again.
I have been trying since then to get myself ready or prepare myself for graduation, and get to a place where I could make it through that day without being a complete basket case.
A couple weeks ago I finally faced the fact that isn’t going to happen. And that I need something to help me, if even just for that day. I refuse to destroy HIS day because I can’t control my emotions.
One day in the car I caught one line from the song My Wish, by Rascal Flatts, and it literally took my breath away. Out of no where. I can’t even think about the actual day without tearing up.
Then some stuff at work got added to that and I just can’t deal. I want everything to go away. I just want to be left alone. I am not allowing myself to isolate because I know that would only make it worse. And I HAVE to make it through graduation with a smile on my face. He deserves it and he has earned it. And I am so far past proud of who he is and where he is going.
So I had another panic attack this week mostly because of work. But I know that the underlying reason is that I am not handling this whole graduating thing well( see sitting here with tears running down my face even talking about it). I don’t want my son to see me this way on his big day. I want him to see and know how proud of him I am and that he is truly amazing!
It’s really not fair. I don’t want to be this way. My logical mind can seperate the two but my subconscious seems to be stuck and I can’t figure out how to get it unstuck. I am so unbelievably overwhelmed and I can’t figure out how to make myself fix it. So at this point I am wondering if I am just gonna have to be almost comatose to make it through this day. I don’t want that either. I want to remember this day. I want to treasure it.
See I don’t know how to live without him with me. I had just turned 18 when I had him. He has always been there. I have never been an adult without him. I have tried to say that in an effort to prepare myself. But even as I type this my eyes well up just saying the words. I will have to start to learn how to be my own person, and not a Mom. Of course I still have my younger 2 but they aren’t far behind him. 5 and 6 years from now I will be in the same place with them. But I don’t know how to do that. I can’t even begin to know how to enjoy life and have fun without my babies. To be clear I have always been a mother. I have always had someone else to think about and worry about. To make a decision strictly for myself very rarely happens. There’s always kids involved somehow, even if it’s just finding a babysitter. I don’t really know how to do anything different. And I am pretty confident this is not something anyone can tell me how to do. I have to figure out how to let go and how to be me all by myself. Well, with my husband of course but that’s not the same as kids.
I know they will always be mine. I know they will always be around and love me, us, and each other. But that doesn’t change the fact that my subconscious is having a field day with this. And I am suffering in the process. I have taken what amounts to a leave of absence from work. I really can’t deal with this and some issues that are going on there. I hate to admit this is where I am at. I don’t want to be here. I want to keep working so I have spending money. But I’m gonna have to give that up for now because I can’t carry all this stuff into a work environment. It only makes it worse and I can’t do my job right.
This isn’t fun! It’s not something I want or would choose. But one thing I have learned is that if I don’t listen to what my mind is telling me it will only continue to get worse. So I will take this time off. Unless I get a handle on this, likely until after we pack my son up and move him into the dorm in August I will be working on other things here at home. Maybe I will try to make some things to sell or for Christmas presents for family. I have to take this time. I have to slow down and wrap my mind around these majors changes. If I don’t I know it won’t be ok. And I could likely end up hurting the people I love and care about, and I do NOT want to do that. It’s hard to face this reality, especially when I have been so stable, but ignoring won’t help anyone.
If you’ve read all this. Thanks! I hope maybe something resonated with you and you might be better for it. Even if not be blessed today!!